Fearless Inventory #1 (Self awareness)

So why am I unemployed? Some people would say I was fired. But I don't like saying that, because I don't really feel like I was - I was let go (and it was mutual). I know that sounds like a cop out, but the reason I was let go was because my team had suffered so many changes in the last 18 months that they felt a change in leadership might put the team back on track.

I know this sounds like I'm making excuses (I am, I admit it). We had such a very difficult 18 months. Two team members on maturity leave (different times), one member out on family leave (twice), on-boarding three accounts (two at the same time), new staff member to handle new account, existing senior staff member transferred to another team, new staff to replace old staff, team merged with another team (their leader left to pursue another opportunity), new required system to learn, one staff member left agency, etc.  YES, that is change! On top of that, we had a senior department head leave the agency (one that I depended on a lot to help us meet our client's needs).

I fully admit - I am NOT superwoman. I tried for a long time, but wasn't good enough in the end. That is a hard admission to make (especially for me). By the time March rolled around, I started to cry. I have never cried because of work. This wasn't just tears - this was full out crying. I never did cry at work thank goodness - but I'd cry in the car or at home. It would just hit me. I was so miserable. I knew I couldn't continue, but how could I let myself down (admit that work got the better of me)?, how could I let down the people that depended on me most (my wonderful team)? how could I let my husband down, my boss down, my clients down? I couldn't leave.

There were many reasons - dedication, loyalty, still liked what I was doing, who I was working with, my clients, but probably most the fear of looking for a job. Putting myself out there. I'm sure others feel this way - does anyone like looking for a job? Fear of not paying the bills, fear of not finding a place that wants me, fear of not finding the right job for me to be happy. These are scary times.

In the end, I didn't have a choice. God made that choice for me because he knew I would put up with the misery for years. So how do I fix this fault of mine? How do I recovery from this weakness? I pray everyday that God gives me the strength. This is part of my journey.